Sex And Work

Some people seem to have a healthy sex instinct but a comparatively less healthy work instinct. Can this combination create a problem when a person is looking for a marriage partner?  This article examines four different scenarios in which couples can be affected by the health (or sickness) of the work-ethic of each of the two partners.

The birds and the bees

In most relationships, the two partners start out by being physically attracted to each other. That gets the ball rolling.  There will usually be a series of intermediate steps (hopefully including marriage) and then they move in together.

There is more to life than sex

Sex is an important part of living together.   But between episodes of sex, there are also the day-to-day issues of food, shelter and clothing.  In a healthy relationship, both partners make a good-faith, cooperative effort to address these needs.

Usually, this means that one (or both) partners have a full-time job.  If one partner does not have a job, then they make a full-time effort to contribute in non-financial ways to keep things going – such as taking care of the house, cooking, washing, etc.

But what happens when only one partner makes the effort to carry their weight about “paying the bills?”

Instincts:  Sex and Work

What are the issues that can come up when one (or both) partners in a relationship have an unhealthy work instinct?   The following chart describes four different combinations of (H)ealthy and (S)ick Sex and Work instincts as they can occur in couples. Each of the four lines represents a man and a woman in a couple. Cases of (S)ick instincts are marked in red to make it clearer where potential problems can arise:

SEX & WORK INSTINCTS
H = Healthy; S = Sick
----- Man -----   --- Woman ---
1) Sex: H, Work: H  Sex: H, Work: H
2) Sex: H, Work: S  Sex: H, Work: H
3) Sex: H, Work: H  Sex: H, Work: S
4) Sex: H, Work: S  Sex: H, Work: S

Why do they always have a healthy sex drive?

You may have noticed that, in all four couples, both the man and the woman have a (H)ealthy Sex drive.  So, aren’t there cases in which one or both partners do not have a healthy sex drive?  Yes, there certainly are those cases – but, at least to start with, both partners need to be sexually interested in each other.  Otherwise, you wouldn’t form a couple to begin with!

Couple Number 1

Everything is fine in this relationship.  Both the man and the woman have a (H)ealthy Sex instinct and a (H)ealthy Work instinct.  They are happy with the sex and also happy with their respective perceptions that their partner is contributing a reasonable effort to keep the household together economically.

Couple Number 2

In this case, the man has a (S)ick Work instinct. He is not very keen on exerting himself to help out with the economic needs of the household. Of course the lady in this pair is very happy with the gentleman’s healthy willingness to exert himself sexually.  But it is likely that she will, eventually, tire of his failure to also exert himself to help to pay the bills.  This may result in nagging: “Honey … uh … when are you going to get a job?”  It is also likely that the man will feel a sense of shame or resentment as he comes to grips with the fact that the woman is controlling him economically.  In any case, things are likely to go down hill.

Couple Number 3

Couple number 3 is suffering from an issue that is similar to that of couple number 2.  The sex is good, so at least that part is working.  In this case, however it is the woman who is not exerting herself to help with the bills.  When we speak of “helping with the bills”, this could also be thought of as a catch-all term to describe all of the various tasks (physical exertion) that are needed to keep the household going.  The simplest way of looking at this is to think of working-to-earn-money-to-pay-bills.  Of course there is also the idea of household chores like cooking, cleaning, running errands, etc.   In any case, in couple number 3, the woman is not pulling her weight.  An argument is likely to come up at some point if the man senses that he is being used.

Couple Number 4

There is a fairly serious problem here.  Both partners are excited about exerting themselves sexually, but neither of them are particularly interested in exerting themselves about looking for work or participating in household chores. Eventually, the couple will use up all of their resources and there will be a poverty-based crisis.

To top things off, because neither of them is working or looking for work, they will have plenty of time to express their (very healthy) sex drives. All of this extra sex, in turn, could easily result in a new member of the family coming on the scene.  Of course a baby will place even more pressure on the couple’s resources.  Again, as in the case of Couple 2 and Couple 3, the end result will likely be an argument that revolves around: “When are you going to get a job!?”

Contributing positive energy

Fortunately, most people have a healthy sex drive.  That is a good thing.   But, if you want to express your sex drive in a happy relationship, then you will (most likely) need to also find a way to express your work instinct, too.

If you find that your work instinct seems to be faltering, then please consider taking advantage of the free help that is available through Get Help Get Active.  A partner who has both a healthy sex instinct and a healthy work instinct is going to be better able to contribute positive energy to keep the relationship going.  If you are having trouble getting active (on your own) then get help.  Get help and get active!

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20 Responses to Sex And Work

  1. Three says:

    The three parts of the work ethic – working (once u have a job), looking for work (including when u already have a job), and studying to improve your job skills. That would make a good article. To respond to ppl who complain (understandably) about not having a job.

    A Healthy Work Ethic Is A Three Layer Cake.

  2. Three says:

    Depression: A Word With Many Meanings

    How about article? Psychiatric depression vs Choice-depression?

    Can Inactivity Cause Depression?

  3. Three says:

    Is Inactivity A Cultural Disease?

  4. Three says:

    The upshot is that a healthy woman wants to have a man who is going to reasonably exert himself to contribute energy and resources to the marriage. Same thing goes for a healthy man. Alternatively – for ppl who are not healthy themselves, they are more receptive to having a partner who is not healthy either. Here, the word healthy means: common sense, focused, mentally stable. Healthy ppl find healthy ppl and they have happy lives. Unhealthy ppl tend to find other unhealthy ppl and they generally just add to each other’s suffering in a sick love relationship.

  5. Three says:

    There’s things we can change and there’s things we cannot change. Unhealthy ppl focus on the things that they cannot change and use them as excuses to avoid looking at the things that they can change via focused self-exertion.

  6. Three says:

    What Is The Work Ethic? Does it exist? Can it be altered in childhood? In adulthood?

  7. Three says:

    $365 Million Jobs Training Program

    Andrew Carnegie’s library donation. All you have to do is read the books and learn the job skills.

  8. Three says:

    If I Could Go Back In Time

    Pal works by encouraging a lazy person to use their time productively today. The problem is that encouragement can easily morph to pestering. What can your ve tell Yo that will help to move the ball (in a reasonably speedy wAy) without driving u away from hanging with the ve? Next point is that yr sloth is a lifelong reoccurring theme. So if nothing changes then years in the future u will look back with the same regrets again. So from the perspective of ten years in the future what would u think that someone could have done differently today that would have made a difference? Maybe if ppl were less pestering than they typically are now then u wld b more likely to b friends with them – so the relationship can b there when the client is receptive to suggestions?

    So we could ask then same question at -10 years, -5 years, -1 year, -1 month, -1 week, -1 day. Which suggests to the person that there are specific things that they really need to be adding in to their lives today.

  9. Instinctual Drives says:

    Sales, skills & production the three components of a career. A career means: “The process by which u become self-supporting.” Plus time must be sold. Like fresh vegetables it is a perishable product. Other products can b stored for long periods before selling them. Sales is the most important. All three are equally important in another sense.

  10. tbear says:

    i read this article and maybe im taking it the wrong way but i see people who say i have low self exercition but yet they dont have a prob playing games or even having sex idk i feel people use it just as an excuse

    • tbear2 says:

      There are ppl who will sit around and say I can’t get a job but they don’t look for one. It’s not that I don’t have a healthy work drive it’s just that companies want more than I can provide. They want triple the exertion that I can give.

  11. Instinctual Drives says:

    How Do Charities Work?

    Article? There is a quid pro quo – i.e., the client gets resources and in exchange the charity gets a a chance to tell the client about religion. Let’s Drop All Pretense. Some people just want the money for cigarettes and booze – not for food.

  12. Nine says:

    Cartoon – hi I’m looking for a girlfriend – then a flow chart – do you have a job? No? That’s okay I don’t have one either – and I don’t really want one – I am irresposible.

  13. let it go says:

    What Is Ennui? It is a feeling of listlessness and dissatisfaction arising from a lack of occupation or excitement. How about an article about that? Does ennui exist?

  14. Habit Rabbit says:

    Do Habits Exist? The purpose is to address the claim that laziness does not exist. We define L as a habit of low self exertion. Do some tend to reliably exert themselves at differential levels?

    Really tho for most folk they do not question whether or not L exists – but they do wonder how severe of a problem it is.

  15. PAL says:

    Article: Reasonable Self-Exertion (RSE) and the Comfort Zone: There are energy exchange inefficiencies (EEI) (aka: low paying jobs) that we tend to prefer to put up with (rather than attempt to correct) until the pain becomes great enough. Part of RSE means that I have to honestly ask myself: What is the best point (and it is probably somewhere out there on the perimeter of my Comfort Zone) on which I can focus my limited emotional energy in order to get the biggest bang for the buck in terms of addressing my current EEI? Am I achieving RSE in this realm?

    If not, then what is up with that? That would have to mean that I am bailing out on a sincere approach to life. 🙁

    What it boils down to is: Part of my job (in terms of running my own life) is to be the Worker – and part of my job is to be the Director. If I am willing to be the Worker then that is great, but if I am not willing to also be the Director, then that means that the unaddressed EEI will continue …

  16. Flowchart says:

    When Does It Make Sense To Donate To A Charity? When a person is suffering in poverty *and* they also have (by their own admission) MBH-LSE, then there is a danger in providing them with any aid to adress their poverty bcz the aid may also serve to deepen their mbh-LSE.

  17. 20B says:

    Evolutionary Failure And Social Support

    If the sex instinct fails then the lineage terminates. But if the work instinct fails, then social systems may keep a lineage on life support for a while (meaning a few generations.)

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